A LOVE OF LIFE
My schedule changed a lot recently. For most of last year I was working remotely at a job I hated, working, playing, eating, sleeping all within the same four walls. It was a total nightmare, mostly caused by the job itself being dogshit, but the lack of separation was horrible. Heading into the office now, I do wish I had some of those days back. Working a hybrid schedule would be ideal for me.
Something that has accented these days has been the joy of being present alongside people. Whenever I'm on break, I go wander around the streets and stores. Passively observing people and the things going on, and I've felt a real joy in doing so. Despite a new type of uncertainty regarding it.
It feels like a deep love, appreciation and sadness regarding life. The understanding that I am not alone. Despite personal struggles, fear, anxiety, even how difficult showing up and performing basic routines can be when you're struggling, every person I see manages to be present and live their lives. People deal with a lot, and we're all very closed off from one another. Being in other's company, feeling their warmth, seeing their smiles has been a great comfort lately.
Being able to face life day-by-day is not easy.
Getting up in the morning is not easy.
Living life with a smile is not easy.
Sleeping on time is not easy.
Exercising is not easy.
Eating well is not easy.
Working is not easy.
Travel is not easy.
Loving life is not easy.
And despite it all, there's a deep melancholic warmth in my chest. Is it regret? A misunderstanding? Yearning for connection? I'm not too sure yet.
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I'll leave you with a panel from Kabi Nagata's 'My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness' that has been on my mind regarding these feelings.
